International Childfree Day: Why I'm Living a Life Without Children

I’ll say what you’re thinking right away, ‘what kind of white nonsense is this?’ Why do people who want to live a childfree life need a day of celebration? What even is ‘childfree’ living? Do we really need to have a day to celebrate everything and anything that exists?

The answer is pretty straight forward: yes. In short, International Childfree Dayis a day for those who voluntarily choose not to have children. And look, I’d have not known about it if I wasn’t already living a childfree life, and if I wasn’t already looking to further that childfree life by committing to it in various ways that will make my life, and my partners life, easier.

Before I go on too far, I want to stress – this is a day for those who voluntarily live a childfree life. There are many out there who involuntarily live childfree lives and would love to have a child in their family, and while their journeys are unique and important, this is not a day that is about that. It is for that reason I choose to use the word ‘childfree’ when referring to those who opt to live without children, and would use the word ‘childless’ for those who wish to have children, but for some reason, cannot, or have not yet.

So, why should you care about International Childfree Day?

There’s a myriad of reasons why people should celebrate and care about International Childfree Day. I’ll try and cover as many of them as possible, but first of all, I do want to say, the decision and reasoning behind wanting to live a childfree life is different for everyone. And, just like every other major life decision, it does help those who want to live a childfree life to have the support and understanding of their friends and family.

For starters, a major reason for wanting to live a childfree life is that many people simply do not have the urge, desire, drive, or the impetus to be a parent. This is often considered a foreign concept to many, especially parents or grandparents who lived lives where it was expected that once you hit a certain age, you’ll marry, and then a year or two later, you’ll bring a new person into the world. The societal pressure on couples, and single women at a certain age, to have kids is immense. For many childfree people, they have thought about this decision endlessly, and certainly didn’t come to it on a whim.

So, when someone says, ‘I don’t want to be a parent’, or, in my case, ‘I know I wouldn’t be a good parent’, we’re not saying it for the reassurance that other people think we would be a good parent, or that we need some kind of assurance from society that this is just ‘a phase’ we’re going through, we have thought long and hard about this and have come to the decision that bringing a child into the world is not something that is in our life plan. We know ourselves well enough to make an educated decision.

With that said, if you’re a family member or a friend who is keen on a child being in our future, keep in mind that it’s far from helpful to say, ‘you’ll change your mind when you have a kid’, because when you break that notion down, it’s actively harmful. What you are saying to someone who does not want to be a parent at all is that they should go against their own life choices and bring a person into the world, and once this has occurred, they’ll realise that they were wrong all along. How destructive would it be for the child if they grew up finding out that they were never wanted all along and that through their existence, their parents lives were changed against their will? Wouldn’t that child grow up with the notion that their parents might resent them?

The next two reasons about wishing to live a childfree life are ones that I’ve found have received the greatest amount of derision: I would have to give up the lifestyle I live, and I just don’t like kids all that much. Scratch that, I don’t like kids at all.

First up – yeah, it’s from a level of profound privilege to say that having a kid would hamper my lifestyle. But, y’know what? I like my lifestyle, I like being able to go see movies, live a comfortable life, and do what I want to without having a small person to deal with. Surely wanting to live a good, comfortable life without the added stress of trying to raise a child is not an arrogant thing to say? I live with depression and anxiety, and I already struggle to have more good days than bad, so I’m certain that throwing a crying infant onto that pile isn't going to do me – or my partner – any favours.

Secondly – I know it’s uncouth to say that you don’t like children, but I’ve been around enough kids to know that being surrounded by one 24/7 is not something I’d like to do. I don’t have the greatest of memories of growing up as a kid, after copping endless amounts of bullying for being a weird little squirt, so when I’m around a kid, those memories come back. This is most certainly a me problem, and it’s one I’m working on as I’ve become a newly minted Uncle, but it’s also not a unique problem.

If someone clearly doesn’t like kids, then just because they have become the parent of one does not mean that they suddenly love kids everywhere. One of the common things you hear from new parents is about how their life changes, how it suddenly gains importance and value, how they finally know what true love is. And sure, I’m certain that there are people who have lived childfree lives who somehow become a parent and their worldview changes, but, as above, that is a big ‘what if’ to throw up in the air.

And that raises another question that pro-child people tend to raise – especially family members – what about your legacy? What will happen to you and your stuff when you get old, and what happens when you die? Who will carry on your name?

All valid questions, and all that have perfectly reasonable answers that apply to living a childfree life.

My legacy is something that I’ve thought about a lot, and it’s actually become part of my core ethos and life view. I try and live a life of being a better person, one who recognises their faults and improves on them. I hope that my qualities will be enough to be my legacy. And, if not, then so be it. There are 8 billion people here on this planet, do we all need to leave a legacy? As for my stuff – there are many different avenues to put your belongings when you are gone. Leave your estate to a charity, or maybe your friends and remaining family members.

As for carrying across a family name, this is usually gendered discrimination against women. After all, when a man and a woman get married it is often the woman who takes the mans surname. Yes, this has changed as society has changed, and certainly with the (thankful) emergence of marriage equality around the world, there are more people wanting to retain their own names in marriage. But, just like the expectation for couples to have kids, there is still an expectation that women will take their husbands name. Gradually this perception will change over time.

So, we’ve knocked off a few main reasons for not wanting kids, but another reason is another fairly major one: cost.

In Australia, it costs up to $300,000 to raise a child to the age of 17. With an average income of $1225 a week in Australia, making an annual salary after tax about $63,700, throwing an extra $300,000 over 17 years on top of day to day living, is a huge ask. With wage stagnation and the cost of living becoming higher than ever before, one can’t help but sympathise with the desire to not add further pressure onto their lives by adding the massive cost of raising a child to their weekly budget.

I should add, if the decision to live a childfree life is a purely financial one, then the question remains – would that decision still be there if finances were no issue? I would argue that many people who opt for a childfree life due to financial reasons would have another reason alongside it as to why they don’t want a kid.

All of these reasons are valid reasons to not have a kid, but they are all – and I use this word cautiously and carefully – selfish reasons. What about the people who are opting out of having kids because of climate change? It’s been argued that having a child is one of the biggest impacts on climate change, and if that isn’t enough of a case, then let this quote from a Huffington post article sink in:

In 2050 — by which time, according to a June study, the Arctic could be ice free, the Amazon ecosystem may have collapsed and human civilization as we know it will be disintegrating — my children will be just 34 and 36. Maybe a stage in their lives when they’ll have, or be thinking about having, children of their own. Maybe they won’t ever have the luxury of that decision.

Now, I want to make it clear – by raising the subject that bringing a child into the world is furthering climate change, or that it will involuntarily bring someone into a world of certain doom, I am not doing so to shame current or future parents. Far from it. There are many ways to take action against climate change, and there are ecological ways of doing so while raising kids. But, it is certainly a reason why many people are opting out of having kids. For some of those people living a childfree existence, one could almost argue that they are actually living a childless existence as they have chosen to not have kids because of climate change, but would certainly have loved to have had children in their lives.

There are names for this movement around the globe, with some a little more tasteful than others. UK-based organisation Population Matters encourages responsible and sustainable human population growth. It works to raise an understanding of what our footprint is on the world, and to provide a guide as to how to live a less impactful life on this planet via reducing population.

Then there’s VHEMT – the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement – which runs the motto: ‘Phasing out the human race by voluntarily ceasing to breed will allow Earth’s biosphere to return to good health. Crowded conditions and resource shortages will improve as we become less dense.’ One could say that this movement wants to help pivot humanity away from humanity. Wilful obsolescence.

One thing that is a constant with all of these movements and life philosophies is that more and more people are taking their decisions to live childfree lives to the next level and are opting to be sterilised. I can speak from this myself, having just upped my private health insurance to ensure that I’ll be covered for a vasectomy next year. It’s not a decision we make lightly, but just like the decision to live a childfree life, it is one that those who opt to be sterilised come to after much consideration and contemplation.

And it’s here where another aspect of gender discrimination rears its head in this discussion. For women, society has deemed them ineffective and useless if they opt out of motherhood, and it’s here that for many women who choose to be sterilised that they hit another major hurdle. There are countless stories of GP’s who refuse to refer women on for surgery because of various reasons: you’re too young, you’ll change your mind, you’ll regret it, your role as a woman is to have children. So, for many women, they’re forced to remain on contraceptives that can cause issues with their physical and mental health due to doctors being unwilling to refer them on.

This great article on the ABC talks about people who opt for sterilisation, with one case of a woman having to go through a ten year journey to be sterilised. Her decision raises another reason why people may wish to live a childfree life – hereditary health issues that they don’t want to pass on. For a man, it’s certainly a lot easier to get a vasectomy done than for a woman to have tubal ligation or tubal removal.

But, this is how gender focused health research can be. Take erectile dysfunction for example, a problem that about 19 per cent of men suffer from, there are five times as many studies into it than there are for premenstrual syndrome, of which around 90 per cent of women experience symptoms of PMS. There are far fewer studies into endometriosis than there are into men’s sexual health. From this perspective, when you look at the difference between men and women deciding to be sterilised, you can see how difficult it becomes for women to have tubal ligation or removal. If anything, tubal removal should be encouraged for women who choose to live a childfree life, with evidence that suggests that tubal removal can reduce the chance of ovarian cancer by 40%.

As a man, and as someone who takes women’s health seriously, and who fully supports a woman’s choice and right to have control of her body, it is my responsibility as someone who has no interest in bringing a child into the world to ensure that that never happens at my hand. That alone is the main reason I am seeking to get a vasectomy. As women’s rights around the world are under attack – especially in America – it is a mans responsibility to ensure that he does not unwillingly get his partner/’s pregnant. While I am doing it because I wish to live a childfree life, I feel it’s important to add that a vasectomy is reversible.

As I’ve mentioned, this is a decision that doesn’t come lightly. You must discuss this with your partner before you rush out and get the snip. You must broach the subject of living a childfree life with future partners as well, and you must do it early in your relationship. Not everybody wants to live a childfree life, and it’s hard to expect any future partners you may have to willingly go along with a childfree life if it not something that they want.

But, what happens if you’re in a different kind of relationship? What happens if you’re in a relationship with God, and wish to live a childfree life? While I cannot speak to this experience from a personal perspective, I can sympathise with those who may struggle to live a life where a child is considered a blessing from the Lord, and to deny yourself that blessing is to possibly deny God himself. For those who may have come across this article who live a religious life and have questions about how to live a childfree life while also honouring their religion, I can point you towards this helpful piece which asks, can you be childfree by choice for the Kingdom of God?

I’ve barely scraped the surface of what it means to live a childfree life, and I sure do hope that this article hasn't come across as a purely clinical piece. I write this from a perspective of openness, with the hope that my words will help those who don’t understand why someone would want to live a childfree life to comprehend the decisions that many people make when they decide to become childfree. If you wish, there is further reading below that may further elucidate why we have come to this choice.

And, if you are a parent, or a friend, or a family member, or even a partner, who has come to this article and still have questions or reservations, then I can understand that completely. For parents, it is difficult to hear that their son or daughter doesn’t want to have kids. Most of the time, they hear this as, ‘you are not going to be a grandparent’. But, please, if this is you, don’t see this as your child denying you something, but instead, respect and appreciate that your child has opted to have a life for themselves, and understand that maybe your child recognises that their lives would be incompatible with raising a child.

All I ask is that you please consider why we have made a choice to live a childfree life. Please don’t try and encourage us to have children, or to disparage us for our choices. We want your love and support, just as much as we would want your love and support if we did have a child. And hey, if you’ve got a child like me, then you’ve possibly got a fur grandkid or two, so celebrate those wonderful additions to your lives.

And if you’re reading this because you’ve opted to live a childfree life – then I hope it’s helped in some way. Know that you’re not alone, and that you’re not selfish for wishing to live this life. You may have your own reasons for living this life, and whatever those reasons are, know that you came to them by yourself and that those reasons are yours alone. Celebrate today – International Childfree day – because it’s a day for you. Go out for dinner, thank the people who have supported your decision to lead a childfree life, write a letter to yourself about what you plan on accomplishing for yourself in the next five years, and if you’re childfree because of climate change reasons, then plant a tree!