Nicole Holofcener’s You Hurt My Feelings is essentially mumblecore for the middle aged. In stating that, however, I am aware that mumblecore took its roots from directors such as Woody Allen (who Holofcener has worked with) and that it is a bit of an ouroboros stating a director that helped make a genre is working within said genre. Despite the disclaimer, You Hurt My Feelings does capture people in a specific age-related crisis who are questioning their validity as artists and professionals. There would be no Noah Baumbach and his twenty-somethings walking around NYC without directors like Holofcener.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, in a role that is tailor made for her, plays Beth Mitchell. Beth is a writer and has had a moderately successful memoir ‘I Had to Tell It’ published about her life with her verbally abusive father. She works at a private college called The New School teaching fiction to young authors who haven’t heard of her work. She’s deeply in love with her psychiatrist husband Don (Tobias Menzies) and worried that her son, Eliot (Owen Teague) might not be living up to his potential. Beth is writing her first novel, a thriller, which her agent seems cold on. Desperate for validation she has had Don read every draft. One day she accidentally hears Don tell her brother-in-law Mark (Arian Moayed) that he doesn’t actually like the novel. Beth’s world implodes. How can she trust Don?
Holofcener’s screenplay is witty and precise. Four people (five if we include Eliot) are at some kind of crisis point in their careers. Don is worrying that he’s not actually a good psychiatrist (there are excellent comic scenes with Amber Tamblyn, David Cross, and Jake Cherry to illustrate this). Beth’s sister Sarah (Michaela Watkins) wonders what the point is with her interior design business when she has to show rich people several wall lights, none of which are “quite right” for undefined reasons. Mark, an actor, is known for a “Pumpkin movie” which is far from the highlight of his career and has been fired from his newest play. Everyone is fragile and living in their tiny narcissistic worlds. Even Beth notes that it’s all narcissism considering the world is falling apart but it’s all she has.
The world gets by on little white lies. We tell someone we like their haircut even if we don’t because we want to make them feel good. It gets more serious if the white lies create unrealistic expectations for people that they feel they can’t live up to. Eliot, who is working at a weed dispensary while writing his first play, feels like Beth’s encouragement of him has meant he is set up for failure. Beth’s mother Georgia (played by the always brilliant Jeannie Berlin) encourages Beth and Sarah but always with a sting in the tail. Where is the line between a well-meaning fib and setting up hopes that can’t be met?
The age-old question of why does it matter what other people think is answered by Holofcener. Of course we crave external validation especially from people we love and trust. When people enter therapy it’s because they need another perspective. The tension between self-worth and external worth is one people struggle with all the time. Holofcener specifically setting the quandary within an upper-middle class NYC milieu means the audience can relate to the goings on, but also see the satire at play. These are comfortable people, and their problems are petty, yet despite the pettiness of it when we recognise our own insecurities we react with an uncomfortable giggle.
There is something warm inside You Hurt My Feelings, Holofcener does actually like her protagonist. Julia Louis-Dreyfus who worked so well with the director in Enough Said is a sympathetic character because she does realise how self-absorbed she is. The relationship between Beth and Don is defined as something almost aspirational (except to Eliot who complains he has always been the third wheel) and we do root for them to get through the “betrayal” – we also hope they sort themselves out. The sibling relationship between Sarah and Beth is also brilliantly rendered. They both roll their eyes at their mother and make jokes about their respective spouses and their peccadillos. Even if the characters are vaguely insufferable (Holofcener’s point) they are avatars for relatable insecurity as well as dysfunctional but healthy (yes, the two can co-exist) relationships.
It’s never too late to learn and grow, and Beth and her cohort do make some changes. The message comes from bubble wrapped privilege, from people you probably wouldn’t want to be at a dinner table with, but there is a sweetness to the whole proceedings that is undeniable. You Hurt My Feelings is very much a Nicole Holofcener film, and if you can get on board with her characters you will be well pleased with the result. It is amongst her best work.
Director: Nicole Holofcener
Cast: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tobias Menzies, Michaela Watkins
Writer: Nicole Holofcener
